Untitled Chapter 1-ish

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry! They come anyway. I can feel them fall around my apple shaped cheeks and their heat radiate against my skin. I hope they can feel me radiate my hatred right back at them. This is the third night in a row that I've cried once I've gotten into bed.  Why can't they just leave me alone? Isn't it bad enough that I'm fat; do I really have to pity myself to the point of tears? Oh, I should probably introduce myself, I'm pathetic, wait wait I mean I'm Casey. I know this is probably not the greatest first  impression but I feel it is important for you to know what rock bottom looked like for me. What? You imagined rock bottom  being me with a pint of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream watching yet another trashy reality show hating myself? Oh no, that was just me hitting a few bumps on the fall down. Rock bottom was when I actually thought about ending it all,over something that I actually had control over. I use the word control very loosely in that sentence by the way.

So there I was laying in my bed, in the dark and in tears. Now I've been in this situation before. The first time my heart was broken, the time my mom told me she was disappointed in me, the first time I heard someone call me fat. This night was different though, I had lost my hope. I didn't see a point to trying another diet or exercise routine when I knew I would just fail and probably have another 10 lbs added on instead of lost. As I wiped the tears away I was making  a mental to-do list for the next day; most people would think of a to-do list to go something like this:

1. Pick up dry cleaning.
2. Workout
3. Call Mom

Etc, etc. My to-do list looked a little something like this:

1. put plastic down on bathroom floor
2. type up suicide letter.
3. pay bills! must not stress mom more than needed
4. Find a home for Arthur...

Arthur. How could I not think of Arthur? It was as if he could read my mind because my furry child hopped up onto the bed and began licking my cheeks. Now I know the scientific reasoning is probably because the cat probably just wanted the salt, whatever, I took it as a sign of love and as if he was saying 'Don't be sad Mommy, I love you no matter what you weigh.' If you are thinking about a nice white room with soft padded walls to put me in right now because of my human-like relationship I have with my cat, no worries, my mom reminds me quite frequently that she has one on speed dial for the moment I crack. Gee, thanks mom.

Anyway, I'm getting off track, back to Arthur. He was my rebound love right after my divorce; which to be honest he turned into my one and only love. I decided after Scott left me (oh you'll hear about him later, because lets be honest he had a LOT to do with this extra 50 I'm carrying now) that I needed a companion. I went to the local humane society and as I walked in they were taking this charcoal gray cat out of an animal carrier. He looked quite sad to be honest; his sea green eyes were dark and  I'm sure if there were a mirror around I could have seen we had the same expression on our faces. The lady that was holding him looked up and saw me. 'His family just left him here, they said they were more 'dog people'. Poor fella, not wanted and unloved. I hope we have can find a home for him soon' I had to remind myself as I fought back the tears that she wasn't talking about me, she was talking about the cat. I told her that she could just put him back in the carrier because he was coming home with me.

Now honestly I couldn't leave Arthur to think he was unwanted again, not needed, or worse not loved! So yes folks this is my rock bottom. I'm fat but seeing as I can barely say the 'F' word we'll just call me 'out of shape', divorced, and the crazy cat lady. There's no where to go from here but up.