The Depths of the Water's Darkness

I am standing there along the shoreline. The sun is casting down on me it's rays of joy and happiness. I feel this is where I should be, a place that is comforting for me. I know that if I continue down the beach I will be filled with happiness, find new adventures and experience the life I have been looking for, waiting for.

As the tide comes in, I feel the water kiss my toes as it washes up a little further each time. I inch back towards the dunes and realize if I let the water work it's way up it will consume what I have been fighting so hard for. This life of normalcy will be gone and I will have worked so hard for nothing.

Nothing.

That is what I feel, I realize as I have been daydreaming of my life of normalcy that I have yet to achieve the water has worked it's way up to my knees. I try to walk towards the shoreline but the current is strong. It is overwhelming. I do not want to go in farther but am being pulled; the water is warm and inviting. It is deceptive. I start to walk into the water  and am pushed back ever time the waves crashing against my body. It is as if they are saying 'Turn back, do not go any further.' I move my body so I am now parallel with the water; I am making it easier for the water to take me back further. This is the stage I have been before, many times.The realization has not hit me yet, what is going to happen if I walk deeper into the ocean.

I am up to my waist now, I turn to the shore and see my life on the sand; God, Stephen, my family, my friends, and even my pets. They are waving to me, waving me in. I can still see them clearly, make out their faces and see the concern. I wave back to let them know I am alright. I am still in control and able to come ashore whenever I decide to. I walk backwards with a smile on my face letting the water rise up my body. I want to float, just for a moment and then I will head in again. I bring my legs up and become parallel with the earth below me. I let the water take control and move with the waves. I am still able to enjoy the sun shining down on me. The only difference is the silence. I hear nothing, my ears are below the water's level. I am consumed in my own world, my own mind.

I decide it is time to go in, be with my family, my God, my husband. I miss my life that I left waiting for me on the beach. It is time to go in be with the ones I love. I bring my feet back down to the soil , my feel barely brush the surface. I realize as I was floating the current took me out farther. I  am now head above water, having to work to make sure I do not go out any further. I look to the shore, my life became pebbles in the sand they are too far to see. I know they are still there but too far to reach now. I know I'm in trouble. I begin to panic and try to claim myself by saying as long as my head is above water I will be ok. I am able to keep my eye on the beach, the air in my lungs and in control of my life. I try to swim towards the shore, but the weight of the water is working against me.

I must tread now, I no longer am able to touch the sand below me without going completely under. This is not happening. I will not let the darkness take my motivation. I will fight for what I know my life is meant to be. My head goes under. I can no longer see my life, it is now an image I feel I once had, was it real? I find that letting the water be in control is much easier than fighting for surface. I must save my energy for the big swim back to land. I tell myself, all is not lost I will find my way back again but as I go up for air I am no longer able to see land at all. The water has taken me so far that I am surrounded. I no longer know which way to go to find my life again. Is this the life that was meant for me? To be engulfed by the water's darkness,  not in control of my own destiny?

Control.

This is something I do not have anymore. I am at the mercy of the water. The deeper I go the more violent it becomes. The waves are angry, the current is strong trying to drag me under, drag my last breath of life out of me. As a wave crashes me into coral below the surface I lost my motivation. I lost my desire, my lust for life. I stop fighting. I stop swimming. I just float. Soon. Soon it will happen. I will lose my hope. I have been out this far once before and some how found my way back to the shore. I do not know if that is possible this time. The water is so dark, it has taken me prisoner. I want to fight, swim back, wave my hands in the air until someone sees me.

This desire is dying. Every day that I am out here the less I want to swim home. The water is almost comforting, it is what I have come to know. There is a small spec of hope whispering to me to start swimming. Leave this place, go back to where the sun may shine down on me. The darker the water becomes, the darker I become. It has consumed who I am, I look down and unable to see my hands my feet, my body. Darkness is all I see, all I feel.

Hope.

I have lost it. I let the next wave take me under. I surrender to the water's darkness. I no longer can see the sun, image my life, or hear the whisper. There is nothing but darkness.

I float to the surface, the clouds part and I feel a ray of sunshine. Is this possible? I float on my back and breath in the fresh air, let the sun warm my skin. I look around and spot what looks to be a beach, is it? Am I so far gone that I am seeing things? The whisper turns into a voice 'Go, swim.' I start to swim towards my beach, my old life. Instead of viewing the waves as the enemy, I use them. I ride them in, one at a time. I get closer. I am close enough to see that yes! YES! This is the beach I left behind, I swim faster. I will not let the water take control again. I will not give up my will to survive this.

Survive.

I will survive. I realize I am able to touch the bottom of the darkness. I now use my whole body in the goal of reaching the shore. The sun is shining bright, I can feel the heat on my skin as it is encouraging me along. I see them waving, my life, my God, my family, my friends. They are shouting now. I swim faster, I am too afraid to stop now. I do not want to be pulled back in. My swim turns into a run. The water is heavy and working hard against me. I feel more and more of my body,my life coming out of the water's darkness. I feel the sand between my toes as I sprint to out of the crashing waves. I have made it. My life welcomes me back, welcomes me home. I am able to walk in the sunlight, my life is mine again. I am free. Free of the depths of the water's darkness. Free of my depression.